


Let me tell ya 'bout my best friend

by Dittycat



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-04
Updated: 2017-03-12
Packaged: 2018-08-19 14:45:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8212612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dittycat/pseuds/Dittycat
Summary: This is the story of my character and her unusual friendship and the lengths she will go for her best friend.





	1. Introductions

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story that has been kicking around in my head for a bit. I own my OC, all other characters belong to J. R. R. Tolkien. I apologize if I offend anyone and I hope you enjoy the ride. Oh! The rating is M due to language, but there is possible suggestive material at a later date. I use swear words as modified sentence enhancers, so here is your fair warning.

Chapter 1

Tonight was our scheduled night so, where the Hell was Bil? I waited for about a half hour past the agreed upon time before I started to argue with myself. I debated whether or not to go through the closet portal and make sure he was okay. If you knew Bil like I did, you would worry too. He was punctual to a fault, and the fact that he was so late to our scheduled “Game of Thrones” night was very concerning. Now, I know that you’re thinking that I should go and check on my best friend if I am so worried, if I’m such a great friend. Well, it’s not as simple as that. You see, Bil lives in another world and that world can only be accessed through the secret portal in my front closet of my house. Now, don’t worry, I will try to remember to explain later. Right now, I’m focusing on the issue at hand. I have never entered Bil’s house without setting up a time prior to, except for that very first time, that is.   
The possibilities of what had caused my friend to miss his visit began to flip through my mind. Perhaps he was sick. If that was the case, what if he’s contagious? I certainly don’t want to get sick. I just got back from working over in Nepal for two months, three weeks ago. I had gotten plenty sick during my stay abroad and I’m not too excited about repeating the experience, thank you very much. Maybe he managed to get a last minute hot date, (**snort! Riiiight!) I didn’t want to bust in on him and interrupt anything. Then again, this was our night together, dammit! I’m not putting my viewing pleasure on hold for his possible intestinal disorder or worse, socially awkward dating attempts. “That hairy footed little shit better appreciate my friendship!” I muttered in frustration as I threw open the front closet door, and climbed to the back wall. I inserted the small skeleton key that I kept on a silver chain about my neck and pushed the secret portal open.   
The portal opened up into an alcove in a back room in Bag End, Bils house in the Shire, in mother fucking Middle Earth! That’s right! I have a portal to Middle Earth in my house. Suck it, Peter Jackson! I think Bil used it as an office, but he has since used it as a storage room for all the items that he had brought through from the real world. Don’t tell him I called my reality the real world. He gets very offended when I do that. Anyway, back to my mission. I paused and listened, expecting the usual sounds of Bil puttering about his home, or at the very least, silence. Instead I heard sounds as if my best friend was throwing a party and didn’t invite me. “That bitch!” I hissed as I strode through the back hallway, towards his front rooms. I had completely forgotten that I was in my ‘chill at home’ attire, yoga pants and an overly large sweatshirt, and not quite presentable for a party, but I didn’t really give a shit at the moment.  
I came upon the sight of my friend looking absolutely apoplectic and ready to blow a gasket. His dining room was packed to over flowing with short, boisterous, hairy men. The table manners of this group were on par with that of a group of toddlers on speed. Bil was sputtering incoherently as his ‘guests’ sang a merry song and tossed dishes about like an impromptu cirque du Solei act. When Bil spotted me, he looked relieved and ran to my side, imploring me with his eyes to do something. I don’t know what he expected, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t expect the reaction I gave. “What the Hell is going on here!?!” I shouted over the din, my face a mask of cold anger. You know when someone claims that a room became so quiet that you could’ve heard a pin drop? Yeah, well, this was the first time I could actually claim that this happened in my presence. All eyes were on me, mouths hanging open in shock. A tall, older gentleman who had been hanging back in the corner cleared his throat before addressing me. “Fucking Gandalf,” I grumbled under my breath. “And, who might you be, my dear?” He asked.  
“A concerned friend,” I bit back. I then turned to look down at Bil, who was still using me as shield against the mob in front of me. “Bil? Care to explain why you’re throwing a sausage party on Game of thrones night? Did you forget or something? A heads up would’ve been nice. I just spent the last half hour worrying that you might have gotten sick or hurt or worse, and I find you playing hostess to a bunch of Oompah Loompah rejects.” I snapped at him. A bit unfair of me, I know, but I was riding out my adrenalin from the anger I felt from being forgotten. “It’s not like that,” Bil cried out, “I swear, Jess, it’s not like that at all!” He was wringing his little hands together in distress. “It’s HIS fault”, Bil cried out rather shrilly, pointing an accusing finger at Gandalf. “He came by earlier today, talking about going on adventures and what not. I declined, having a rather busy schedule myself, (I snorted and rolled my eyes at this blatant lie) and he insisted! He invited all these dwarves to my house and now they have eaten everything in my pantry and are ruining everything else!” He was practically screeching by this point. Bil is rather proud of his house-keeping and hostess skills, but this pack of wild dwarves were evidently beyond his capacity. I honestly felt bad for him. I mean, sure he seems a bit uptight but, once you get to know him, he is the best friend anyone could ask for. He would give me the shirt off his back if I needed it. Plus, he’s a shit ton of fun to take out drinking. I immediately felt bad for storming in blind like I did, and I decided to be the best friend he needed right now. I placed a hand on his shoulder and crouched down to his level to look him in the eye. “Calm down, Bud. Breathe in slow and deep, just like we practiced,” I instructed. We’ve been in these situations before where he had a full blown panic attack and we’ve been practicing our breathing techniques. I could feel 13 pairs of eyes on us, but I just had to block it out. “Calm down, okay? You keep this up and you’re gonna give yourself a coronary. We can sort this out. Don’t worry.” I looked back over at Gandalf and said, “You and I need to have a little chat, in private.” Gandalf nodded his head and I swept my hand dramatically toward the back room, “After you.” Before I escorted Bil away to the sitting room, I turned back and addressed the group of dwarves as they sat in varying stages of disbelief. “The rest of you, fucking behave yourselves. You know, like actual adults.”  
Sitting across from the old man, I was perched on the arm of the wingback chair, with Bil twitching in the seat; I addressed the issue at hand. “I’m sorry, Gandalf, but are you out of your fucking mind?!” I hissed at the wizard. “He can’t adventure! Look at him! He can’t even host a group of inconsiderate assholes at a dinner party.” “Hey!” Bil finally spoke up in his defense, which was a good sign, but still. “It’s true! Look at the state of you right now! Also, adventuring in this case means being outdoors for extended periods of time Bil. By extended, I mean months and months of sleeping on the ground, in the elements.” I tried to explain gently. “I do very well out of doors, thank you very much!” he replied in a holier than thou tone that rubbed me the wrong way. Did he not understand I was trying to save him from massive discomfort? “Bil? Hon, remember the time I took you to the beach? You screamed like death himself had walked up and hugged you when a piece of seaweed had wrapped itself around your leg.” Gandalf was doing his best not to laugh and ended up throwing out a fake cough to cover the chuckle we all know he let slip. Bil frowned as I continued on. “What do you think will happen camping out in the wilds for months at a time?” Bil looked away into the fire to avoid answering that question. I looked back up at Gandalf and his eyes were laser focused on me. “How is it that you know my name?” He asked. I let out a humorless laugh and retorted, “I know lots of things.” “May have the pleasure of your name, my dear?” He asked so politely that it was hard to stay mad at him. “Yeah, I guess. I’m Jess, Bil’s best friend and body guard.” I held out my hand to shake his, but he looked at me like he had no idea what it was I was doing, so I dropped it. I’ve been in enough foreign countries; working abroad to realize not everyone will understand my customs, so I let it go. “Well, my dear Jess, it seems that I will need to add just one more to the company roster, as you are very much what I believe is needed in order for its success!” He exclaimed and then winked at me. The old bastard just winked at me!! “Now look here, Dumbledore-“I began to protest, but was interrupted by a loud pounding on Bils front door. “He is here.” The wizard whispered.  
Seriously, the amount of reverence that Gandalf placed on this new visitor made my skin crawl. I am a firm believer in ‘respect is earned, not given’, so I decided to refrain from comment until further notice. Correction; my mouth refrained from comment, but my facial expressions were another matter entirely. I can never play poker, like, ever. Bil, still trying to be the consummate hostess with the mostess, answered the door with the entire crew waiting behind him in anticipation. Thorin Oakenshield sauntered into Bils house like he owned it, and I immediately wanted to punch him in his smug fucking face. Don’t judge me, because I know that you’ve all met at least one person in your life time that has caused that knee jerk reaction without even opening their mouth. So, Thorin Oakenshield was one of a handful of people that brought out this feeling in me. “Gandalf,” he began with a haughty tone, “I thought you said that this place would be easy to find?” He shrugged off his cloak and handed it to one of the other dwarves. “I lost my way. Twice. I would never have found it at all if it weren’t for that mark on the door.” I snorted inelegantly, and gave a condescending chuckle, “You are seriously going to follow this guy across the country? He had trouble navigating the Shire! You guys will probably end up going in circles and end up like the goddamn Donner party on some snowy mountain side! Good fuckin’ luck!” I made my way to Bils liquor cabinet, because this shit was getting on my nerves. The glares I received from all the dwarves after my comments were priceless, not going to lie.  
Gandalf decided now was a good time to try to distract everyone from my outburst. “Yes, well, Thorin, I am glad to see you made it,” turning to Bil , Gandalf explained, ”This is Mr. Bilbo Baggins. He is the 14th member of your company.” Gandalf smiled affectionately down at Bil, who seemed a little awestruck as he took in the newest dwarf to invade his home. “So! This is the Hobbit!” Thorin scoffed as he walked around Bil, sizing him up. “Tell me Mr. Baggins, have you done much fighting?” “Pardon me?” Bil, asked slightly mystified. “Axe or sword? What is your weapon of choice?” Thorin continued. “Well, I do have some skill at conkers, if you must know.” Bil sniffed proudly at that declaration. Poor Bil was so out of his element here. “Thought as much,” Thorin started smugly, “he looks more like a grocer than a burglar.” The rest of the dwarves laughed at this last bit, and I had had enough. “Right!” I exclaimed, surging through the crowd to stand in Thorins way. To his credit, he didn’t flinch, but his eyes did grow bigger. “I want to hear you apologize,” I hissed in his face. “Who do you think you are, speaking to me as you do?!” Thorin thundered. Now, for a dwarf, he was pretty tall. I stand a little over five feet and he and I stood eye to eye. Still, I’m not going to stand for his domineering bullshit. “Pal, I don’t have to think about who I am, I know who I am and I’m alright with it. You on the other hand are being rude and extremely abrasive. I expect you to apologize to my friend Bil, or this little circle jerk party stops here and now,” I growled. I was honestly very proud of myself for being as calm as I was. “And what is it that I am supposed to apologize for? Speaking the truth?” He snarled at me. We were standing, toe to toe, glaring at one another. I could see Bil dancing from foot to foot, nervously trying to signal for me to stop. “The truth?! You march in here, act like you own the place and make a snap decision about your host without even speaking to him. That’s not speaking the truth. THAT is maligning my friends’ character based on nothing but your opinion. If you actually took a moment to talk to him, you would have a better understanding of who he is and what he can do, but NO! Thorin Oakenshield has made up his mind about what good my friend will be to you, based on sight alone. Bil is one of, if not THE most important ingredient in this little insanity pot pie you and Gandalf are cooking up, and you start off treating him like this?! You can take your holier than thou attitude and stick it up your ass for all I care. Bil ain’t going! Period, end of story!” I stalk dramatically over to the front door and point to it saying,” Here’s the door, don’t let it hit you in the ass on the way out!” I was beyond pissed. No one treats Bil like he is shit to be scraped off a boot! No one.   
Evidently, it seems things were going to come to blows. I honestly don’t remember. All I do remember is being dragged away by Gandalf and Bil to the back sitting room as the other dwarves forcibly restrained Thorin as they escorted him into the dining room. “Well, Jess, that was a bit over the top, don’t you think?” Bil asked as he pushed me to sit in his high back chair. “Over the top? That guy is a grade A asshole. I think I was more than civil under the circumstances.” I sniffed. Bil ran out to the kitchen to get me another drink. “Well, my dear, you certainly are not shy with your opinions.” Gandalf said with a smirk. Bil returned with a glass of wine, and after taking a sip I sighed and said, “Look, Gandalf, I get it. This mission is important to you and Thorin. You want the dragon gone, the dwarves want their home back, and Bil here is the keystone in your plan. And it’s a pretty half-baked, piss poor plan I might add. However, I’m not going to sit back and let my best friend go off into the wild and get steam rolled by a bunch of munchkin lumberjacks for months on end.” I glanced over at Bil and saw the pleading look in his eyes. “Oh, Jesus Christ, Bil! Really?!” I exclaimed sharply and slapped my hands over my face as I sank deeper into the chair. I peeked out at him again between my fingers to see him looking slightly ashamed, but the pleading, puppy dog look was still there. I groaned and said, “I know he’s kinda easy on the eyes, but come on! His personality alone should make you want to set him on fire!” He just continued to look at me with that pathetic expression, so I sat up straighter and placing my elbows on my knees I tried to put it into terms that might make sense to his lust filled brain. ”Remember Steve? You remember Steve, I know you do. You’re the one who saw his asshole halo shining bright well before I did. You saved me from so many questionable life choices with that one. I’m returning the favor now. Walk away from that disaster in your dining room, Bil. Walk away with your dignity still intact.” I chastised him. Bil frowned at me and he turned to Gandalf, who was standing next to the fireplace watching this exchange as he puffed away on his pipe. “May we have a private moment Mr. Gandalf?” he asked him sweetly. “Of course, of course,” the old man chuckled, “I shall attend to your guests in your absence,” and he swept out of the room. Bil leveled me with his most pathetic, doe-eyed, feel sorry for me eyes I have ever seen. “Jess, please. This is my first and only chance to explore my options.” He pleaded. I sighed, “Bil, you are not outdoorsy! And I’m sorry, but explore your options? Are you planning on making your way across the land in a great, big orgy tumbleweed of hairy, burly men?” I rubbed my hands on my face tiredly. “Plus, he isn’t even your type! I mean, didn’t you have a fling with that scrawny guy from the stables at the prancing pony? You were all about that guy for weeks on end? What happened to him anyway?” I asked suddenly confused. “Dornian? Please, Jess! He was so three months ago! Don’t ask me what happened to him, I don’t wish to talk about it. Besides, my tastes have matured since then.” He muttered that last bit as he began examining his fingernails, trying to look nonchalant. “I let out a huff and stood up from the chair. “Ok, fine. Have fun, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.” I growled as I marched back to the small doorway that connected our two worlds. “I’ll miss you.” I told him before I stepped back into my world.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally had the chance to finish chapter two. This is my first foray into fanfiction, so I apologize for all the deviations from canon, for all you purists. reviews are welcome. Again, I own nothing but my OC, everything else is property of JRRT. Enjoy.

Chapter 2  
The following morning I woke early, and shuffled my way to the bathroom to scrub yesterdays’ drama from my memory. Muttering to myself about ridiculous, love-sick friends, and the bad decisions made under the influence of pretty face, I puttered to the kitchen. As I did so, I passed the large doorway to the living room. As I reached the kitchen, I stopped short and replayed my short walk from my bedroom in my mind. Were my eyes playing tricks on me? I backed up and gave the living room my full attention. Nope, my eyes certainly were not tricking me. There sat Bil, dressed like an immaculate, miniature British lord in his green velveteen jacket and butter yellow waist coat. He was sitting on my sofa, the one we usually curl up on for our TV marathons. He was not alone however. The dwarves were with him, making an attempt at casually looking over my knick-knacks and photos, and too curious to leave any of my stuff alone. Nori had just knocked over the marble elephant statue from my bookshelf right as I walked in. “Nori, I swear to god if you try to steal any of my shit I will make it so you piss blood for the rest of your unnaturally long life.” I growled at him. He placed two more bronze statues back in there proper place and scurried to the back of the group.  
Gandalf stood to the back of the group, smiling at me, while Thorin sulked next to the door to the closet with the portal that they had all emerged from. The rest of the group was clustered between the back of the couch and the wall. I turned my attention to Bil, and unleashed all my usual early morning cheer upon him. “What the fuck, Bil?” I snarled. “I’m sorry Jess, I really am. I came through to talk to you and they followed me.” Bil said rushing over to my side. Everyone was staring at me like I was the one that was out of place. Yeah, like Bil dressed as little Lord Fauntleroy, a pack of dwarves decked out for a Ren Fair, and an old man wearing something that looked like a grey version of the sorting hat was all normal and good. I then remembered I was in my pajamas. Nothing too crazy or anything, but I’m sure they weren’t ready for all the skin a black spaghetti strap tank top showed and My Little Pony pajama pants, the ones with Twilight Sparkle sliding down some rainbows and shit might be considered a bit shocking. I dunno. Like I said, it was early and I am not a morning person even without the unexpected house guests. I ran my hand over my face in disbelief as I surveyed the mob before me. “Bil! Your first mistake was letting them into your house. Your second mistake was letting them into MINE!” I hissed. I pulled my phone out of my pajama pants pocket and began to make a call. “Jess! Stop! Who are you calling!?” Bil shrieked nervously trying to grab my arm. “I’m calling the exterminators, Bil, because I apparently have an INFESTATION!” I shouted at him. Bil caught me by surprise when he jumped up and, missing my arm with his hands, he succeeded in hitting my elbow with his head, knocking the phone from my grasp. “Ms. Jess, please sit down and listen to our mutual friend. He needs your assistance.” Gandalf shouted over the din of the dwarves, who were egging Bil on as he ran from me while I tried to tackle him in order to retrieve my phone. I stopped running and stared at the old wizard with curiosity. “How the Hell did you even fit through that door, Gandalf?” I snapped in exasperation. The portal doorway was only 3’x3’, so the fact that he could cram his geriatric carcass through that space without much hassle was impressive. “Magic,” was the only explanation he offered with a wiggle of his crazy-ass eyebrows. I crossed my arms over my chest, earning some rather lewd comments from a few of the dwarves. I’m not huge in that department, but I have enough to garner some attention. I will admit to using what I do have to wheedling drinks from men at bars. If they are willing to fall prey to such blatant scams, I have no pity for them. However, I will not stand in my own house and be ogled by uninvited, pushy, mouth breathers. I glared at them, hoping my bed-head hair and puffy, red eyes were enough to deter any future transgressions. I was wrong, as it only caused them to find something humorous in my reaction. Bil pushed his way through the few dwarves that he had managed to hide behind once I was distracted by Gandalf, and sheepishly held out my phone. I snatched the phone from his small hand and gave him a death glare. He gave me the most plaintive look he could muster and asked, “Is there somewhere we can talk in private?” “Uh-uh. Nope. I’m not leaving these characters unattended in my house. I saw what they did to your place and I’m not letting these little shits loose in my house.” I said stubbornly. “You have my word that the dwarves shall remain on their best behavior while here,” Gandalf announced. “Yeah? Well where were you at Bagend? OH! That’s right! You were there too and did nothing to stop this flea circus from steamrolling my friend, so forgive me if I doubt your word.” I rolled my eyes and Bil pulled me back toward my bedroom.  
After shutting the door, we sat on the bed together, both of us leaning against the headboard. “Spit it out Bil.” I sighed and closed my eyes, knowing what was coming but not willing to actually hear it. He sighed and leaned his head on my shoulder. “I really like him, Jess.” He whispered quietly. “Yeah, but Bil, do you like him enough to put your life on the line?” I asked him bluntly. “Yes. I think I can say I like him that much.” He said affirmatively. “Ok. So how long do you think you will be gone? Do you need me to watch your place for you?” I questioned. “Um, that was what I wished to speak with you about. I… I actually told them that you would come along.” He said and turned to look up at me. The shock on my face must have sent him into a slight panic, because his little hands started fidgeting nervously with the edge of my comforter. “Please Jess? You know I’m rubbish out of doors. I won’t survive without you!” He cried. “I think you are over exaggerating my abilities, just a tad.” I told him rubbing my face violently with my hands, hoping to wake myself up from this dream. “Bil, you can’t just sign me up for this shit! Yes, I am an avid adventurer, but damn it, those guys are way beyond my level in the adventure category. What the fuck will I be bringing to the party, other than moral support for you? And Thorin agreed to this? He and I didn’t exactly hit it off, in case you fucking forgot.” He placed his small hand on my arm and stared at me with his puppy dog eyes and said, “You know more about what is going to happen than anyone in my world. I know you told me that you couldn’t tell me the particulars because you didn’t want to influence the outcome of my future, but I really, really need you to come with me.” “Bil, if I didn’t want to tell you about it because I was afraid of changing your future, why would I insert myself into the history of Arda by going along with you? That’s even more fucking dangerous!” I tried to explain emphatically. “It could cause drastic changes to your world that could lead to destruction and mayhem.” I desperately wanted him to understand the implications of what he was asking me to do. He held up a finger and replied sweetly, “or it could make everything so much better. What makes you think that you haven’t already influenced the outcome just by being my friend? Also, the two of us have gone on short excursions into the others world without any ‘acts of God’, as you like to say.” He had a point. Neither world had experienced a cosmic event from our little forays. “Listen, Gandalf already had Balin write up a contract for you, and although Thorin isn’t happy about you being included into his company, he agreed to add you in as a scout and a medic.” I laughed at this. ”Dude, I’m a veterinarian. I am an animal doctor, specifically a large animal vet. I am not a doctor for people or dwarves or whatever the fuck else we come up against out there.” Bil just smiled softly and leaned his head against my arm. “Please Jess? I need you to come with me.” He pleaded. I sat silently weighing my options for a while. “I’m going to need you to go back out to your new friends and wait while I think this over, Bil.” I muttered rubbing my face tiredly. Bil gave me a big hug and scooted to the edge of my bed and slid off to the floor. He gave me one last little smile as he left the room and closed the door behind him.   
I sat there, running different scenarios through my head, trying to stay strong and tell Bil that going with him was impossible. Every time I thought I had the perfect argument to stay, his sad eyes and pleading voice would worm their way back into my head and guilt me into five more reasons to go with him. Ten minutes later I emerged from my room to find the entire company sitting quietly on the couch and the floor in front of it, enraptured while watching an episode of Blue Planet, with David Attenborough. I leaned against the door frame and just watched their faces, full of awe and wonder, as the screen showed them a pod of Orcas hunting a Grey Whale calf off the coast of California. Bil was the first to notice me and he used the remote to mute the TV. I am so proud of how easily he adapted to technology sometimes. I even let him use my computer once or twice to order some weird shit he saw on TV that he absolutely HAD to have. Anywho, I digress. Bil waited patiently as I scanned the audience. “Against my better judgement, I have decided that I will assist my friend Bil on this journey he has signed up for. I will need a few hours to gather my things and take care of a few loose ends before I disappear for months on end, or forever if the dragon wins,” I added that last bit without much thought to how the others were feeling about it all. “Wait, dragon?! There’s a dragon?” Bil chimed in, high pitched and wobbily. “Did you even read your contract yet?” I asked exasperated. “Uh, no. I was too concerned about getting you to come with me, I just signed it and gave it back,” he admitted, embarrassed, as he turned to face the others in the company. “Oh, Aye! Think furnace with wings.” Bofur quipped. “Yes, I know what a dragon is!” Bil started hyperventilating. “Right! That’s it! All of you, back where you came from. Except you Bil, You stay here with me.” I ordered. Everyone began filing back through the portal, Kili and Fili grumbling about wanting to continue watching the program, but they were thoroughly shot down by Thorin. If he didn’t tell them off, then I definitely would have.   
After the portal shut behind them, I turned to see Bil still having a mild panic attack in my living room. “Come on,” I said as I dragged him into the kitchenette. I poured him a cup of coffee. He was shaking a little and looked so lost. “Hey, I’d get you a beer but, I know how you feel about drinking too early in the day.” I offered. Bil was so particular about some things. He didn’t drink before noon, and he never drank beer straight from the bottle. I always had to pour his beer into a glass for him. When I had complained that he should just suck it up and drink from the bottle instead of making me have to wash a glass after, he stated that drinking from the bottle was extremely ‘low-brow’, as far as etiquette rules were concerned. I had scoffed at him and made some comment about him letting far more ‘low-brow’ things than beer bottles slide past his lips and, oh boy, did he get all wound up about that! He didn’t speak to me for three days after that. He forgave me for my crass commentary finally when I brought him some chocolate truffles that I know he loved. Now, here he sat at my little kitchen table, adding cream and enough sugar to his coffee to make a 300lb man an instant diabetic. He sipped his coffee and slowly began to calm his nerves. “I am agreeing to go with you on this trip to keep you alive, and happy. You understand this, right?” I told him as I buttered him some toast. “Yes. I know and I’m incredibly in your debt.” He admitted as he lovingly sipped the coffee and closed his eyes euphorically. “Right, well, by the end of this little carnal pleasure campaign of yours, I just may expect you to pay up on this debt. I will do my best to get you safe to the end and hopefully this little foray into Arda doesn’t fuck with the whole time-space continuum. Shit! Maybe we should go kidnap Bill Nye the Science guy or someone like him for this trip. I think he would be really useful.” I said, more to myself than to Bil. We sat and ate in companionable silence for a few minutes. When we finished, I informed him that I would be taking a shower and packing up for the next few hours and he should do the same. He thanked me profusely as he pilfered my coffee can off the counter top (thieving little shit) and skittered back into the living room, and back into his own world. “Time to call in a few favors,” I mused as I thought about having my affairs taken care of while I was gone for either a long time or forever, not sure how I should play up the time frame to my house sitter/sister. I took myself off to the shower and used that time to plan accordingly.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait for this chapter. Life got in the way. I also want to apologize for any glaring mistakes. I have two little minions at home with me most days, and they take great joy in driving me to distraction. Enjoy! Reviews are always welcome.

Chapter 3

So, it turns out that my skills being necessary were not blown too far out of proportion by Bil after all. Thorin grudgingly even admitted, once, that it was good that I had come along, which practically made me fall off my pony. Within the first few days, when one of the ponies came up lame, I used my veterinary super powers, and one of Filis knives, and trimmed up the poor things hoof enough to drain an abscess. I felt like I was back in school as most of the company members gathered around and watched with morbid fascination as the smelly fluid drained from the small hole I made in the sole of the hoof. All of the dwarves listened as I explained what the probable cause for the abscess was, and how to locate and drain it. Honestly, I would’ve thought that everyone in Arda would have been experts with horses, as they seemed to be the only means of transportation here. Balin explained that, as dwarves, they really had no need for ponies or, horse flesh in general, as they lived under-ground, and primarily miners. As I finished up, I mentioned that miners back home had often used ponies, back in the day, to cart out the stone, up until self-motorized carts were invented, which seemed to fascinate them even more so. The lesson on hoof care and mining history were enough to keep them quiet for at least 15 minutes. Well, except for Thorin, Bil and Gandalf. Gandalf was next to Thorin, packing some more of that ‘Old Tobey’ weed into his pipe (honestly, that wizard was constantly high, and I can’t really blame him), Thorin was too proud to become involved in the lesson I was giving to the others, and Bil was too squeamish to want to witness it. Plus, I know for a fact that Bil was using this time to try to get to know Thorin a little better, because I saw him try to casually insert himself between Gandalf and Thorin and the rock outcropping that the broody dwarf was leaning against while he waited for me to finish with the ponys’ hoof. I even witnessed Bil creepily pet Thorins fur coat out of the corner of my eye.  
After the pony was declared good to go, everyone climbed back on their mounts and continued on. Honestly, the scenery was a bit dull after a while and I found myself incredibly bored. Well, that is, until Fili and Kili pulled up along-side me with wicked grins plastered on their faces. “Whatever it is that you two are up to, I would suggest you think real hard about stirring up shit with me.” I warned them. I felt like I was about to be a victim of a drive-by of some sort. Their smiles only grew larger in response to my threat. “Why, lass, what do you mean by that statement?” Fili chuckled. I narrowed my eyes at him, but made sure I kept Kili in my peripheral vision. I have experienced being pick-pocketed by the best street urchins in the world, so I knew the signs of mischief in the making. “Never mind playing dumb, just keep yourselves in front of me where I can see you.” I said as I slowed my pony to a crawl, forcing them to move ahead of me. They both laughed heartily and Kili turned in his saddle and winked at me. “Look here you little shits, I want you to know that if you start something I am going to goddamn finish it. I don’t pull my punches, I never learned how. “I said with a malicious smile. Fili looked appalled, and frowning, told me, “We would not throw punches at you! You are a woman!” I laughed and that seemed to cause him to become even more flustered. Bil pulled up next to me and eyed the two frowning dwarf princes. “I would say that your chivalrous attitude is wasted on Jess, but I feel she is best at telling others exactly how she feels about your sexist thoughts.” He stated and turned a smug face up and looked to me for confirmation. I smiled back at Bil before I addressed the princes once again. “It’s true boys. I know that your heart is in the right place, but that’s a fucking sexist comment. While my wish would be to not have to hit a person, no matter the sex, I know that is a ridiculous expectation in certain circumstances. I have been in quite a few scraps, and most of them were with men that saw me as an easy target. I’m not saying I could beat either of you in a fight, but I’m relatively sure I could incapacitate either of you in order to evade any further attack.” Bofur happened to slow his pony up enough to catch the conversation and he glanced between the princes and myself before he asked, “Would ya care to bet on tha, lassie?” OOOOOoooooh, this was going to turn into quite the adventure if this is how we were starting out. “Ok, Chuckles, what do you want to bet?” I asked, rising to the challenge. Now, I am by no means a bad ass. I just have a no-nonsense attitude and I can talk a good game. I have taken self-defense classes and a few martial arts classes here and there. I am confident in my abilities, but my abilities are in no way above and beyond most peoples, so please keep this in mind as I continue this tale. I never said I was level headed either. I’m smart, but sometimes my pride gets the better of me. Ok, who the fuck am I kidding here? There are lots of times where my pride got me into some dodgy situations and then my wits had to come along and bail me out at the last second. Bofur, Kili and Fili all seemed to converse with one another silently in order to come to an agreement on an acceptable bet. I watched them closely, and finally noticed the fact that they were actually using a form of sign language. Bofur finally nodded his head to the princes and looking back at me said, “If you can manage to ‘incapacitate’ either Fili or Kili in hand to hand combat, we will help your little burglar here with his Royal problem.” Bil blushed a deep shade of red and looked extremely uncomfortable, pretending that there was something very wrong with one of the buttons of his waist coat. “What? It’s not like it’s a big secret.” I scoffed at him softly. “Ok, agreed. Now what are you looking for in return, in the rare case that I can’t knock one of these guys on their ass?” “Well now, we were hoping that maybe you could exert some of your natural charm and maybe entertain us in the evenings.” Bofur said with a shit eating grin and a waggle of his eyebrows. I felt my blood boiling, literally. “Number one, who the fuck do you think you are?! That’s a soild fuck off from me. You get all fucking prickly about me being a delicate fucking flower because I’m a woman and I need to be protected, and then you turn around and turn the fact that I’m the only woman in the group into your chance to sample my wares? You have a hand. You actually have two, so feel free to reintroduce yourself to them and go fuck yourselves. Not happening. Number two, my natural charm? Seriously? At what point have I come across as charming? Let me know so I can correct that shit ASAP.” I snarled. Bil was choking on the laughter he was trying to contain, as were Dwalin and Nori. Those were the only other members of the company close enough to hear what was going on. “Try again. Maybe this time come up with a more intelligent request, you fucking asshat.” I growled at them. The three conspirators were visibly horrified at my little melt down, and really, I was a little surprised at how angry I had become, but what’s done is done. Bofur held his hands up in surrender, the look on his face was one of shocked horror. “Nay, lass! I dinna mean THAT sort of entertainment!” he sputtered, “I meant for you to tell us stories at night, to help us pass the time!” He and the princes went beet red with embarrassment. “Seriously? Then what the fuck was all that innuendo with the cheeky grins and eyebrow shit? Am I the only one that took that the wrong way?” I asked around the small group gathered near me. Dwalin finally lost the fight of holding back his laughter and nearly spooked his pony from the sudden noise of it. “Honestly, Miss Jess,” Fili started to say, “We meant nothin’ by it. Bofur just has trouble reeling in his amiable behavior sometimes.” Well, shit, now I was feeling like an asshole for flipping out on him, but still, he should learn to curb his sauciness with me, so I refrained from apologizing. “That’s all you want, is for me to tell you stories?” I asked incredulously. Who in their right mind makes a bet and asks for bedtime stories? Never mind, I just remembered where I was and who I was with, so there you have it. The group nodded. “Alright, deal.” I agreed. Even if I couldn’t take out one of the hairy leprechauns, story-telling wasn’t such a heavy toll to pay.  
Later that evening we pulled off the great east road in order to set up camp, and I knew exactly what was going to happen next. There are so many notable events in this story line that stick out in my mind, and the run in with the trolls was one of them. Thankfully, I had prepared for these little moments when I had packed my things. Even still, the burned out farm house gave me the heebie-jeebies, knowing what was coming up. I pulled Bil to the side as we dismounted from the ponies and decided to give him a little pep talk. “Hey,” I started a little lamely as I looked around to make sure no one else was in hearing range, “tonight is going to be a big night for you.” His eyes lit up with hope and I, unfortunately, had to squash that little light like a bug. “No! Not a big night for you in that way, you horny little thing! I mean, something happens tonight that will help to endear you to Captain Caveman over there.” I whispered harshly. Bils brows furrowed, “What is going to happen, Jess? Should I be concerned?” He asked, his little fingers began to twitch and dance nervously over his buttons. I grabbed his hands to stop the movement because if I let it continue he would end up working himself up into a panic attack. I watched from the corner of my eye as Gandalf and Thorin had their little spat about moving on to Rivendell, and was not concerned when I watched Gandalf storm off, leaving Thorin looking even more smug than usual. Focusing back onto the task at hand, I looked Bil directly in the eye before saying, “Listen, Bil, I am here to keep you safe, remember?” He nodded and stared at me, waiting for me to continue.” Well, I will say that, yes, you will encounter danger, but I won’t let anything really bad happen to you. However, having said that, I need you to be brave and to think on your feet, okay? Just like that time you talked our way out of that messed up situation on the train last New-Years’ Eve. I need you to be fierce, like I know you can be, okay?” He squeezed my hands and nodded in agreement. As he rejoined the company I watched as he squared his shoulders, mentally encouraging himself, and began to go about the business of setting up camp with the others. Kili walked over to me after a few minutes, and leaning over the back of one of the ponies, he waggled his eyebrows at me and asked, “Ready to settle that wager?” What is with this eyebrow wiggling shit? Does this actually work on women here? I rolled my eyes at him,“ Yeah, just let me finish settling these two ponies in and I will be right there,” I said with a wave of my hand, indicating for him to fuck off. He chuckled and took the hint, wandering back to the others.   
I made my way to the campsite, and set my pack down near Bils stuff. I turned around to face the waiting group, “Where are we doing this thing? Here?” I asked, indicating the flat area near the campfire. The entire company was waiting and watching as Fili stepped forward. Evidently, he drew the short straw. He gave me a lop-sided smirk and glanced back to Thorin before he said, “We will ‘do this thing’ here.” He looked extremely cocky, and I couldn’t wait to take him down a few pegs. There was an unspoken command given by Thorin, and the company formed a circle around Fili and I. Bil stood next to Thorin , a confident smile on his face as he smiled at me, knowingly. Bofur came forward and stood between us. “The rules are that the lass must incapacitate our lad Fili here in hand to hand combat. If not, she must concede to her fate. Let’s try to keep it clean and avoid injuring each other in a way that will last longer than a day or so. Agreed?” he asked holding up his hands. As soon as we both nodded agreement, he dropped his hands and backed out of the circle. Now, I am not stupid. I know that these guys are warriors and they are trained to fight, but they have no idea that I have training as well and they believe that because I am a woman that I am an easy target. They were about to find out how fucking wrong they could be. Bil had seen me in action once or twice when guys got too handsy at the bars or clubs, so he was quite sure that I was about to put young Fili in his place. The dwarves had been quite vocal about how scandalous my travel attire was when we first set out because I chose to wear leggings that were mostly form-fitting and snug breathable tops. I told them to pound sand, this was how I traveled. My clothing was comfortable and easy to move in, and I was about to demonstrate how easily I could move. Fili and I circled one another for a few moments, each assessing the other, looking for weak spots. The others were shouting out encouragement and in some cases, rather racy banter about how Fili would be on top of me in the end. Fili made the first move, lunging forward, trying to make a grab for my right arm. I saw this move coming and easily spun out of reach. We faced each other again and Fili smirked at me before saying, “Lass, we all know how this is going to end. You may as well concede now before you get hurt. I’d feel awful if I made you cry. At least, cry out in pain anyway, “he said, and just for good measure, he winked at me. That was it. This kid was going down, hard. When he lunged at me the second time I grabbed his wrist and, using his momentum, flung him past me and wrenched his arm up behind his back and kicked him sharply in the back of his knee. I followed him as he fell to the ground, and using the pressure point in his wrist, I maintained my grasp on his arm, effectively pinning him, as I kept his arm bent behind his back at such an angle that it threatened to pop his shoulder out of its socket. I sat on his lower back, and clutched a fistful of his wild blonde mane, pulling his head backward painfully. Fili hissed, trying not to cry out as I leered down at him. The entire company had gone completely silent, so they heard my harshly whispered words of, “Who’s crying now, bitch?” I released my hold on him and jumped away, just in case he decided to retaliate. Fili got to his feet slowly, with the help of Kili, and the two of them stared at me in shock. Fili cradled his arm and Oin began to assess the damage done, as he was the healer in the group. Dwalin was grinning, which was frightening in and of itself because it was usually not something he did outside of the thick of battle, so I’m told. Bofur, Nori and a few others exchanged a couple of coins and the rest of the company shuffled off, disappointedly to continue their campsite chores. Thorin was frowning at Fili and turned his stern glare on me. “We have a mission to accomplish, and I would appreciate it if you would not injure any more of my company to the point that they are completely useless.” I narrowed my eyes at him angrily. “Calm down, short round. He’s going to be fine in a few minutes. No harm, no foul. I didn’t see you getting all bent out of shape at the prospect of him hurting me in any way,” I pointed out to him angrily. Honestly, I have no idea what Bil sees in this guy.   
Later that evening, at supper time, Dwalin made his way over to where I sat with Bil, near the fire. He handed two bowls of stew to Bil and growled, “Make yer self useful and bring these to the boys. They’re over settlin’ in the ponies for the night.” He indicated a copse of trees near-by, and gestured with a nod of his head. Bil scurried off to remove himself from the company of the surly, dwarf warrior, leaving me to deal with the scowling mass of muscle. Without any warning, Dwalin sat down next to me on the log I was using for a seat. I stared at him, a look of confusion on my face, as he stared straight ahead at the fire. This guy has done nothing but glare at me since day one, and now he wants to join me for supper? Something was rotten in Arda, if you ask me. Anyway, after a few moments of awkward silence I said, “Oh, No. I don’t mind if you join me for supper. Thank you for asking.” The sarcasm dripping off of that statement was so thick you’d need a knife to cut it. He turned to look at me, and I noticed that he seemed nervous and aggitated. “Can I help you with something, Dwalin?” I tried to prompt him into a conversation again, but he gained his feet and began to stride off. “Wha’d ye do to Dwalin, lass?” Bofur asked from across the way, grinning like the Cheshire cat. “Fucked if I know.” I said shrugging my shoulders, and delving into my stew once more. Before I could get the spoon to my mouth, Dwalin came storming back and tossed something in my lap before stalking off again to talk to Thorin. I looked down at my lap and saw that what he tossed at me was one of his daggers, tucked in a beautifully tooled leather sheath and belt. I glanced over at the others asking, “What the fuck is this?” I was utterly confused by this interaction. “What does this even mean? Who throws knives at people with-out saying a word?!” I asked Bofur, who had a look of shock on his face. Bombur seemed to be choking on his second helping of stew and Ori had both his hands covering his open mouth, like he was a socialite and he had just witnessed me getting engaged. Bofur recovered slightly and said, “uh, I will leave the explanation of that to Dwalin himself, lass. I am in no position to inform you of his intentions.” I glared at him, holding the dagger in my left hand, “What do you mean, ‘intentions’? What does that even mean?! Dwalin has barely spoken two words to me and now he’s throwing knives at me and acting like I scare the shit out of him! Bofur, I am in no mood for games.” I hissed. Before I could get to my feet Fili came crashing back into camp and yelled “TROLLS!” All the dwarves gathered around him, listening as he described what was happening just beyond the trees behind us, and I sat on my log, content in the knowledge that I was soon to have the place to myself, able to gather my thoughts and finish my stew in peace. As the company gathered their weapons and made to head into battle, Thorin stopped beside me and asked, “Are you not concerned for your burglar friend?” He seemed actually surprised at my nonchalant attitude about the whole thing. “Nope, I think he’ll be fine.” I replied dismissively, which seemed to piss Thorin off more. “So much for the loyalty of your friendship,” He spat at me as he ran off with the others. I sat there in the peace and quiet and watched the flames of the campfire dance as I finished my stew in silence, contemplating the life choices I made in order to get me to this point in my life. It was a brief journey down memory lane, but it was entertaining at least. I settled down to wait for a while before I would check on the guys to see if they needed my assistance before Gandalf came back to save them all. As I waited I examined the dagger that was tossed at me earlier, still at a loss as to what the fuck had prompted the normally dour dwarf to gift me with such a pretty piece of weaponry. I guess the only way to find out was to ask him. After a few hours, I decided to go check on the fellas. I could use a good laugh at this point I think.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in getting this out. Holidays, writers block, yada yada. Anyway, here is the next chapter . As always I only own my OC

Chapter 4

Okay, so, by the time I made it over to where the trolls were having a dwarven wienie roast, I ran into Gandalf skulking around in the bushes. “Jess, what happened here?” he hissed at me. “My guess would be dumb ass dwarves and their inability to plan properly?” I offered, shrugging my shoulders. Gandalf rolled his eyes at me and asked, “Well, where were you during all this?” “Hey! Don’t start pointing fingers here! You’re the one that stormed off with your panties in a twist. I am not the designated babysitter for them,” I whisper shouted. Then I started to push the old bastard along in front of me toward the boulder. “Now get your carcass up on that boulder and split it in two so the fucking trolls get hit with some early morning sunshine for fuck sake. Do I have to be a cheerleader for everyone here?!” I hissed as I helped hoist old man winter up onto the rock by giving him ten fingers. Let me tell ya, he ain’t light. He gave his little ‘dawn will take you all’ speech and slammed the end of his staff down, splitting the rock in two. I watched as the trolls slowly petrified and then made my way over to Bil, who was still wrapped up in his burlap sack. Using the dagger that Dwalin had left in my care, I cut the rope that held the sack closed and gave him a big hug. “Jess, where have you been?” he asked. I could feel his heart racing and he was on the verge of panicking, so I hugged him tighter. “I stayed at camp and waited. I got here in time to help Gandalf with his little stunt, but I knew you were gonna be fine Bil.” I held him by his shoulders now, at arm’s length so I could look him in the eye. “I’m proud of you, dude, you were fantastic! You totally saved the day.” I gave him another hug and then said, “Now go get dressed while I help everyone else.” Bil looked down and was suddenly confronted with the fact that he was standing around in his small clothes. He scurried off to the pile of clothes that the trolls discarded after their capture, to find his belongings. As I began to work on the rope on Thorins bag he glared at me. “Tell me again why you are travelling with us if you refuse to help us when we are in need?” he asked me scathingly. I stopped what I was doing and pointed the dagger at his miserable face. “Did you forget that I have a knife in my hand and you’re unable to fight back? Are you really that stupid?” I stared at him, waiting for him to sass talk me one more time. He seemed to get the hint and wisely kept his big fat mouth shut. “Now, if you actually payed attention, I told you that Bil would be perfectly fine without my help in this little debacle. Did I not say that?” I paused, and waited to see if he could remain silent. Wonder of wonders, he just sat there plotting my death with his eyes. “It turns out I was correct, and Bil actually helped save all your sorry asses too, so I expect you to thank him.” Thorins face was turning purple at this point, when he finally growled out,” and how, exactly, did our burglar save us? If my memory serves me correctly, he is the reason that we were almost a meal for those trolls.” He had spittle on his beard now and I couldn’t really focus on anything else for a moment. It’s like seeing someone you dislike and they have a booger hanging out of their nose, but you don’t tell them about it because you hate them, letting them go about their day, hopefully having it ending in utter embarrassment. Anyway, I mentally shook myself, refocusing on the task at hand; giving Thorin a good verbal beating. “Actually, if there is anyone to blame, it would be Fili and Kili. They were supposed to be watching the ponies. Then, because they are fucking cowards, they convinced Bil to try to get the ponies back so they didn’t have to let you know that they fucked up and were screwing around instead of doing their job!” I poked him in the chest with my finger, just to hold his attention and aggravate him further. This guy just brings out the worst in me. I swear, I’m not usually a seething ball of venom and hatred, honest. Thorin just blinked at me as I continued with my rant. “Next in line for blame would be yourself, for rushing into the situation without a proper plan of action. I mean, seriously? You just run out of the woods at three giant trolls yelling and brandishing weapons? I am seriously questioning your ability to lead here. They’re TROLLS, you shithead! They didn’t seem very skittish to me. At least Bil had the sense to stall them long enough for the sun to come up! I came along in time to prop our surly wizard in place in time for his little magic act, while you guys all lay around like dwarven hot pockets. Jesus! You even smell like pepperoni.” I grouched as I sliced through the rope holding his bag closed. The burlap bag fell away, leaving Thorin Oakenshield hanging out in his skivvies, looking like he was seriously considering the pros and cons about attacking me while I was armed. While I had been cutting Thorin loose, Bil was helping Gandalf free the dwarves that had been spit roasting over the open fire, so Thorin decided to head over there to check on them rather than lose face by getting stabbed while in his underwear.  
I freed the remainder of the dwarves on the ground from their sacks and, after glancing around, I spotted a bald, mountain of a dwarf wandering off to find his clothes. “Hey!” I called out to him as I approached him. Dwalin finished pulling on his pants before turning around to confront me. “What the fuck is the deal with the dagger?” I asked, crossing my arms over my chest, said dagger still in my hand. Dwalin let out a frustrated sigh before he said, “I, uh, I dinnah want ye to be unarmed on this journey, lass.” I shifted my weight, clearly telling him I was getting comfortable, settling in for a long conversation. “Then why were the others acting like you just proposed to me, or some shit like that?” I pinned him with my gaze. I was genuinely curious about the reason for his actions and wanted to see what he would say under pressure. Dwalin sent a murderous glare over my shoulder at someone who started sniggering, before looking back at me. “Lass, I like ye. Yer a good fighter, but ye have a sharp tongue in that mouth of yers. I jus’ think that yer mouth may get ye in more trouble than ye able to git out of on your own, without a weapon, so I gave you one of my daggers.” He explained with a smile. “Besides,” he added with a wink, “I like my women a little more…sturdy.” I eyed him skeptically. “So, no underhanded plot twists?” “Nay, I have no intention of courtin’ ye,” he confirmned with a stern nod of his head. “Well, thank god for that! I mean, you’re a good guy and all, but talk about awkward! Am I right?!” I laughed, relieved at the news. Dwalin, smiled and thumped me on the shoulder as he walked back to the rest of the group. I turned to watch him go and caught Thorin checking Bil over for injuries. His hands definitely lingered on Bils ass longer than necessary. I walked back to the group and slapped Nori on the shoulder as he was shrugging into his cloak. “Well, fellas, let’s get this shit show on the road, shall we?” I was greeted with disgruntled mumbling. “Let’s go find us a troll hoard!” I exclaimed as I marched off toward the source of the troll footprints. That changed their dour attitude real quick.   
Before I went inside the cave, I pulled a small vial from my front zippered pocket of my bag and placed a few droplets of the contents into my bandana I wore around my neck. “What’s that” Bil asked curiously, peering over my shoulder. “Oh, a little essential oil mix I made up that will over power the smell of whatever shit is rotting away in that cave.” I explained and tied the bandana around my face like I was going to rob a bank in a western. I placed my hand on his shoulder and asked,” watch my shit for me while I’m in there, would ya? I trust that little prick Nori as far as I can throw him.” Then as I walked away I looked back at him over my shoulder and asked, “How was the game of grab-ass you were playing with lover boy? Was it everything you dreamed it would be?” Bil shot me a look that would have maimed me if it could, and flipped me off. I laughed and returned my thoughts to the troll hoard. I found a few nice necklaces and an elven short sword in all that disgusting mess. That was about it for my loot. I didn’t want to have to carry much else, knowing that this was going to be a looooooong trip and we were only at the beginning. I started to leave the cave, passing the small group of dwarves burying some treasure in a shallow pit like a bunch of pirate rejects. I emerged from the stench and witnessed Gandalf gifting Bil with a small elven sword similar to the one I found. Shortly there-after, someone shouted that something was approaching our group and everyone pulled out their weapons, ready to fight if needed. I nudged Bil, trying to convey that he shouldn’t be scared. A sled pulled by giant rabbits burst through the underbrush, its musher yelling words like, ‘Thieves! Fire! Murder!’, which I guess is the middle-earth version of a siren. Radagast pretty much looked like any random homeless person I’d ever seen. He looked like he was wearing every item of clothing he owned, all at once. His hair was greasy, unwashed, and had actual bird shit in it. Also, he looked like he was tweaking, hard. Gandalf approached the brown wizard and the dwarves went from defcon 4 back to defcon 1, replacing their weapons in their holders. I, however, was gushing at the sight of the rabbits. I approached the lead rabbit cautiously, offering friendship as I pet his head. By the time Gandalf and Radagast came out of their little conclave, I was practically laying on said rabbit, sweet talking him and scratching all his itchy spots. I named him Hazel-Rah, after the chief rabbit in one of my favorite stories, ‘Watership Down’. I’m not even sure if he was actually a he, as I thought it was a bit rude to try and check under the hood, so to speak. Fili and Kili were cracking jokes about how a bunch of giant bunnies made me turn from a viper to a pile of mush. Honestly, I wasn’t even mad. Who could be mad while loving up a giant rabbit?  
A howl came through the woods from a nearby location, causing the rabbits to become tense. My lovefest was over for now, so I rushed over to Bils side as he stuttered, “Is that a wolf? Are there wolves out here?” I slung my pack on to my back and drew my new short sword. I have no fucking idea how to fight with a sword, but I’m all about giving it the old college try. The pointy end goes in the other guy, right? Right. A large dog like creature leapt down into our midst from above the cave opening, and Kili shot it with an arrow. As it turned and snapped blindly in pain, Thorin finished it off with a sword or axe. I never knew which because of what happened next. He must’ve hit an artery because I was immediately hosed down with hot blood, soaking into my clothes and coating my skin. “MOTHER FUCKER!” I jumped away a little too late. I glared at Thorin as I tried to wipe the blood off my face, convinced he did that on purpose. I studied the corpse of the animal while Thorin and Gandalf argued about whether or not Thorin advised anyone of shady character about his quest, because he was now being hunted. Considering that Thorin asked all of dwarvendom to join up, and only twelve dwarves showed up, I’m thinking he was a pretty unpopular guy. I can’t imagine why (insert eye roll). The warg looked like a wolf, but only it was the size of a rhinoceros. A rhinoceros sized wolf, drastically underweight and covered in mange. I felt really bad about it having to die, but after looking at it, we probably did it a favor. I was pulled from my thoughts by Radagast announcing, “These are Rosgobel Rabbits! I’d like to see them try!” As the sled sped off into the underbrush I yelled out,” Hazel-Rah, you stay safe!” The dwarves looked at me like I was mentally challenged, talking to a rabbit. As far as I was concerned, Hazel-Rah was a better conversationalist that these dwarves. As I already had my pack on my back, I was ready and running right next to Gandalf as he led us from boulder to boulder.   
Radagast and the rabbits lead the wargs on a merry chase, coming closer to our group than was comfortable quite a few times. I was seriously beginning to question the sanity of all wizards in Arda. I kept thinking, ‘Does he not know where to go?’ He looked like a senile old man looking for his car in the parking lot of the mall of America during Christmas, for fucks sake. Meanwhile, while I was mentally chastising Radagast, Gandalf disappeared, and a warg was now perched on top of the boulder we were hiding against. Thorin gave Kili a brief nod, and before you could say ‘what the fuck’, Kili notched an arrow, stepped away from the shelter of the rock and shot the warg. The poor creature fell at our feet. It’s rider came down with it. The orc let out a cry, alerting his friends to his location and his plight before I reacted and sliced his throat clean through and silenced him. If I thought about what I just did I was going to throw up, so I didn’t think about it. We ran in a straggled group, aimlessly, looking for any kind of escape route. The wargs were beginning to surround us and closing the circle, when I spotted Gandalf as he popped up from between two boulders calling us over. My lungs burned and my legs hated me at this point, but staying alive was important to me. I grabbed Bil by the hand and dragged him over to where Gandalf disappeared. There was a dark chasm between the boulders and I could hear Gandalf down in the dark muttering to himself. I tossed Bil down into the chasm, and stood at the entrance guiding the others to safety, shoving dwarf after dwarf down into the dark. “Kili!” I heard Thorins desperate cry and turned to see that the wargs had cut the young archer off from the rest of us when he paused to shoot a few of their comrades down. “Shit! Shit! Shit!” I cursed as I ran back into the fray. The wargs were too preoccupied with Kili to notice my approach. I came up behind the warg closest to our escape route, and using Dwalins dagger, I sliced the poor things tendons, effectively hamstringing it. It’s back legs collapsed, useless. As it fell to the ground, yelping in pain, its rider fell with it and became trapped under the beasts’ weight. I continued forward, stabbing the orc through the chest and then, dodging the snapping jaws of the warg, I mercifully sliced its throat. While I was doing all of this, Kili took advantage of the opening I provided, and made it safely to Thorin. I followed suit, and all three of us slid down the smooth ramp of the chasm and landed in a heap at the bottom. A horn sounded from above and one of the orcs, pierced by an arrow, rolled down the ramp into our little hidey-hole. Thorin pulled the arrow from the corpse and snarled out the word, “Elves!” What a racist prick. Dwalin said that there was a pathway but couldn’t see where it lead, asking if we should follow it. “Follow it, of course!” Bofur confirmed, seemingly as eager as I was to put as much distance between us and the events of the last 24 hours as we could. The blood soaked relay race we just participated in sapped all the good feels I had stored up from loving on Hazel-Rah, and I grudgingly followed the dwarves, bringing up the rear. From this location I witnessed Thorin grasping Bils hand in a comforting gesture and it warmed my heart a little. Not much, but a little.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. Operator error due to low brain activity = slow writing capacity

When our rag-tag group finally stumbled out of the dark crevice onto Rivendells back steps, I was more than done with this shit. I was covered in warg and orc blood, and underneath that, a layer of about three days of sweat and grime. I was feeling super attractive and extra cranky. The group stood around on the rocky outcropping we emerged on to, looking in awe at the beautiful scene before them, while Thorin got pissy at Gandalf once again. I was too wrapped up in my own thoughts, thinking about what a hassle it was going to be to get these stains out of my clothes, to notice when the decision was made to move forward. The company began the long descent toward the buildings in the distance. I was still lost in thought when Dwalin walked past me and thumped me on the shoulder,”Ye, did well, lass!” That was some smart fightin’ ye did back there.” I think I actually growled at him. He laughed it off and continued on, following the rest of the group. I was not proud of killing the warg, but the orc? Meh. The wargs death was bothering me though. Someone called out to me to catch up and I flipped them off because I’m super mature like that. I was a good distance away from the rest of Thorins’ company, but I could still hear the sounds of the elves voices coming from the trees surrounding the path we were walking on. They were singing some annoying song, taunting the dwarves, making fun of their beards or some shit. As I came to the area that the group had just passed through, the elves started to sing at me and it went a little like this: Oh! Where are you from and where are you going? Will you sing with us some? Are you tired of running? O! Tra-la-la-lally, here down in the valley! Now, before they could begin the next irritating verse, I yelled out, “sure, I’ll sing with you, fuckers! Here’s one for you!” and I broke out into the loudest, most off key rendition of ‘the song that doesn’t end’ anyone has ever heard. “This is the song that doesn’t end! Yes, it goes on and on my friend! Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they’ll continue singing it forever just because, this is the song that doesn’t end..” etc., etc. The dwarves all looked at me like I was bat shit crazy, and Bil was trying to hide his laughter behind Thorins shoulder. However, once I paused in my screeching, I could hear the elves laughing before they started singing my song back to me, which I hoped they would sing it into infinity. I don’t know if that happened because I didn’t stick around to listen to them. The dwarves, Gandalf and Bil listened to the elves change their tune to my wretched ear-worm of a song, and they all began to chuckle. Thorin even smiled. I shit you not.  
After the little sing-along exchange, I continued on, still a ways behind the rest of the group. I finally took the time to actually look at the valley we were so rudely tromping through, and I was a little unprepared for the absolute beauty of this place. “Holy shit!” I exclaimed softly as I gaped at the glistening white stone buildings, seemingly carved right out of the cliff walls. The multitude of waterfalls, streams and beautiful vegetation just added to the surreal effect. I finally caught up to the group as they were crossing a narrow stone walkway that spanned a shallow river, which lead to a courtyard set before a large stone stair case. Now, this narrow walkway had no hand rails or safety net of any kind, so I’m pretty sure the powers that be back home would’ve shut this waterpark down in a hot minute. I guess elves aren’t really big on safety. Come to think of it, the only safety conscious peoples in this wacked out world were the hobbits. I’m positive that Hobbits would be the lawyers, accountants, and insurance claims adjusters of this world, if given the opportunity. Anyway, I am getting off topic.   
I shuffled across the walkway as quickly as I could. While everyone else began milling about the courtyard, I moved to the side of the staircase and set my backpack down at my feet. I knew what happened next in this story, and I wasn’t in the mood to be jostled about by chauvinistic, short-rounds in a misguided attempt to protect me as one of their own. No sir, I got this. Imma stay over here, thank you very much. I looked over my shoulder to see two armored elven guards standing at attention on a landing mid-way down the stairs. I watched as a very pretty elf with soft brown hair, wearing a fancy bathrobe, tunic, thing, came gracefully trotting down the stairs towards our merry little troupe. “Mithrindir!” He called out to Gandalf. Gandalf turned towards this brown haired beauty and greeted him warmly, “Ah! Lindir!” Lindir totally has a resting bitch face, because that pretty little son of a bitch barely cracked a smile and seemed to be looking at the dwarves with utter contempt. I hear ya, pal, I hear ya. The rumpled wizard and pretty boy began speaking in elvish, so I stopped following the conversation. I looked over to Bil, who was trying to signal me in a subtle, yet obvious way to come over and join the rest of the party, by violently tipping his head in a jerky motion. I shook my head at him, indicating that I was not going to be coerced back into the herd. Just then the sound of a horn being blown in the distance began to echo off the valley walls. Looking past the group, toward a larger walkway than the one we had used, I saw a group of riders approaching on horseback. Enter Lord Elrond, stage left. I sat myself down on the step next to Lindirs’ feet, or my approximation of where his feet would be under all that flowing fabric. He thinks I didn’t see his horrified look of disgust as I sat down, but I so did. Never forget, never forgive. That’s my motto. I smiled up at him with a sickeningly sweet smile, the dried blood on my face cracking from the movement, and I proceeded to use the hem of his dress? Robe? or whatever he wants to call it, to wipe my hands off. He skittered away from me faster than a cockroach after the lights come on. The dwarves packed in tight together in a defensive circle, and in the center of that swirling, angry hairball was my dear friend Bil, making heart eyes at Thorins back. Thorin was standing protectively before the little hobbit, posturing threateningly. It was like watching a prairie grouse mating display. The male puffs up and acts all tough and the female swoons. It was actually pretty damn cute, but I digress, yet again. Sorry.  
Lord Elrond and his squad of beautiful people came charging in like the Hells Angels to bike week at Laconia, circling the agitated dwarves. This was turning out to be one big sausage fest, if you ask me. I looked over at the swarming elves to try to pick out Lord Elrond, but the horses were moving too fast for me to actually distinguish one elf from another. When the horses finally stopped, I finally got a good look at Lord Elrond as he greeted Gandalf while dismounting. Holy hotness, Batman! I mean, I was kind of expecting all the elves to be beautiful, you know, pretty and almost feminine, like Lindir. Lord Elrond was not pretty. He was exceedingly handsome though, and he seemed to exude power without having to be a dick about it, like some angry, hairy testosterone nugget I know. I’m lookin’ at you Thorin, I’m lookin’ at you. Back to the tall drink of water that just charged in, all hell bent for leather, smack dab into my libido. He was tall, with long, straight dark hair that, despite riding at top speed and getting whipped around by the wind was absolutely perfect. He wore a maroon colored type of armor that looked like it was woven in wide bands that clung to his torso like I desperately wanted to. His face was more of a rugged sort, for an elf, or more masculine than Lindirs. His silver grey eyes were warm and kind as he spoke to Gandalf. They were speaking in elvish, but I didn’t care. I could listen to this guy read the dictionary, his voice was that amazing. I mentally chastised myself for going hormonal all of a sudden, and I muttered to myself, “I either need a long nap or I really need to get laid, because this shit is starting to make me stupid”. Well, I learned that elves have excellent hearing, because Lord Elronds eyes slid over to meet mine and I realized in that moment that he had heard me. His expression was one of confusion with a titch of amusement thrown in for good measure. He turned back to address the company as well as Gandalf, and I buried my face in my blood caked, filthy hands, mortified. I stood up and brushed off my backside, though really, why bother at this point, and leaned against the railing with my backpack. The dwarves made a bit of a commotion at this point, thinking when Lord Elrond next spoke to them in elvish, that he was insulting them somehow. Gandalf corrected the misunderstanding, stating that our host was offering us refreshment and Elrond graciously indicated that everyone should follow him up the stairs. As he passed me I saw him glance at me from the corner of his eye, briefly assessing me and he seemed to be more than mildly curious but, he never stopped to speak to me. I pushed my way into the group of dwarves and sidled up next to Bil. “Why didn’t you stick with us back there?” he hissed. I was a little surprised by his salty attitude, but I was willing to chalk it up to being Thorins fault somehow. It definitely wasn’t anything I did. “I’m not a big fan of getting pushed around, as you well know,” I answered with a shrug. I looked down at him, and noticed his hands were nervously wringing themselves, and his face had a strained look to it. “What’s crawled up your ass? I know for a fact that it certainly isn’t Thorin,” I snorted, trying to get him to laugh. When he gave me a withering look, I pulled him to the side, letting the others continue on. “Spill,” I ordered. “Well, I’m just… I’m just I don’t even know!” he cried out. He was starting to shake as he continued on, “I’ve had it. I’ve had it with this whole thing! I mean to say that I was quite naïve about what would happen on this adventure. I did not fully comprehend that we would actually be in fear for our lives!” He squeaked at the end of his speech. Thorin turned and glared at us threateningly and I turned my back to him, blocking him from Bils sight. I knelt down in front of my neurotic little friend and said, “I tried to warn ya, bud. I don’t like saying it, but I told you so.” I saw the tears well up in his eyes and I pulled him in to a fierce hug. “This is why I came with you. I knew what you were getting yourself into and I couldn’t let you go without me.” I could feel Bil shaking and sucking in gulps of air. I knew he was crying, but the first rule of cry club is you don’t mention it when someone is crying. Just go about your business, nothing to see here, move along and all that. I stood back up and handed him a handkerchief from his pack letting him clean himself up a bit. As we turned to follow the others I told him, “The thing is, Bil, as much as you are regretting this whole thing right now, you will come out the other side of this in a much better place, mentally.” I placed my hand on his upper back as we walked, giving him emotional support. I spotted Gandalf and Lord Elrond standing at an intersection at the end of the corridor, directing the dwarves to the left. The wizard and the elven lord were watching Bil and I approach and were having a conversation in hushed tones. As we drew near, I gave them a look of exasperation and said, “You do realize that, if you are talking about us in elvish, we both don’t speak the language, so you don’t have to whisper, right? I mean, we will still know you’re gossiping like a bunch of old ladies and being rude as hell, but the whisper thing is just grating on my last nerve.” I saw Lord Elrond arch one of his obscenely expressive eyebrows at my crass attitude, but I was already turning the corner to follow the dwarves, leaving the bewildered elf lord and the flustered wizard sputtering behind us. Bil covered his mouth, trying to hold back his laughter, but once we made eye contact with each other we both fell into fits of laughter.   
I was shown to a lovely, breezy boudoir. It was breezy because there were no doors anywhere, only large fluttering gauzy curtains. I was guessing that they weren’t real concerned about winter or, you know, privacy around here. A willowy, graceful elf, (I think it was a woman, but I can’t be really sure) showed me where I could freshen up before heading to the banquet area where dinner was going to be served. I pulled some clean clothes out of my back pack, did a super quick bird-bath style clean up, and headed out to the banquet hall. I was actually feeling much better after getting the grime off of me, even though I would need a long scrub session in order to get the tough spots, and I made my way to dinner with a skip in my step. I had no problem finding the banquet area, because, I don’t know if you know this or not, but dwarves are not quiet. Not even on a good day. I turned the corner and saw that there were two long, low tables set up with the dwarves lining both sides of each table and poor Bil squeezed in between Kili and Ori. Gandalf and Thorin were sitting at the head table with Lord Elrond. Bil noticed me first as I entered, calling out to me over the noise of the dwarves, and soon everyone else took notice of my entrance. Walking into a room and having everyone stop and stare at you is very unsettling. It made me feel like I forgot to put on pants or something. I looked down at myself, just to make sure. Nope, I was totally wearing pants, so no worries there. I guess my attire was not what was expected because the entire room went quiet, and multitudes of eyes were staring at my chest. In all fairness, I am not one to try to blend in, so the purple heather, short-sleeve t-shirt with the graphic of a cartoon unicorn simultaneously vomiting and shitting rainbows might’ve been a bit too much for this crowd. Whatever, I wasn’t about to go back and change. The black cargo pants that I wore were also a conversation piece because I forgot that the elves haven’t seen zippers before. Gandalf finally snapped back to reality and beckoned me over to the head table. Thorin looked absolutely miserable, and as I approached he excused himself and made his way over to a small tree to pout and snarl on his own. I approached the table and both Lord Elrond and Gandalf stood, waiting for me to take a seat. Being around chivalrous behavior is really awkward and uncomfortable for me. It just feels weird. As I placed my napkin on my lap I leaned over to Gandalf and asked, “What’s up with Thorin? Was he mad that he was demoted from the adults table back to the kids table, or was it because I was coming over?” I heard Lord Elrond cough as he took a sip from his wine flute, his grey eyes full of the humor that he was desperately trying to hide. Lindir stood just behind Lord Elrond and he didn’t even twitch. He just sat there with the same pissy look on his face from earlier. Gandalf chuckled and said, “A little bit of both, my dear.” A lovely elf lady came over to my side and filled my wine flute for me as a salad plate was set before me. I glanced at Lord Elrond and lifting up my wine flute I smiled and said, “I don’t know if you know this or not, Lord Elrond, but Thorny and I don’t get along real well.” I sipped the wine and was beyond pleased to find it was top of the line. I decided that the wine was going to be my main course tonight, because I deserved it, damn it. Elronds’ only response was, “indeed.” Gandalf let out a heavy sigh and gave me a pointed look, warning me to drop it.   
Dinner was rather low key at our table, but by the time I was on my third flute of wine, the boys were getting rowdy. I think I overheard that Kili admitted to fancying a certain elf that was walking about playing some instrument, only to find out that it was a male elf. The poor bastard was torn a new one by his entire table, but honestly, I even had a hard time telling the difference. Well, except for Elrond. I sat there studying him and wondered why he was different when he caught me staring at him. Doh! I just smiled guiltily and turned to watch Bofur stand up on one of the tables and begin singing the “Man in the Moon” song, as he kicked food while dancing a jig. The rest of the troupe began tossing food about like a bunch of jackasses and Thorin was giggling obscenely under his tree, watching the elves try to cope with the chaos. I was mortified, and I slouched down in my seat, trying to melt off the chair and hide. It got even worse when Ori stood up and started to yell out, “There once was a man from Nantucket..” That was all he managed to say before Bil practically launched himself at the poor misguided dwarf, clamping his hand over Oris’ mouth, thereby stopping any of the obscene lines that may have been said, but were not to be spoken in such polite company. I should have never taught Kili that little raunchy little poem, and I was kicking myself for my moment of weakness when I had entertained he and Fili with dirty limericks and pub songs from back home. After all this excitement I had had enough, and as the nice elf lady came by with a new carafe of wine to refill our glasses, I stood up, rather wobbly I might add, and snatched the carafe from her hands saying, “Sorry, I need this.” I turned back to the shocked faces of the Elf Lord and Wizard and blurted out, “I gotta go. Elrond, it was lovely to meet you. You have a nice house. I mean, it’s more than nice, it’s fucking amazing, but, I just gotta go.” I sashayed drunkenly toward the exit with my absconded wine, and I snagged Bil along the way saying, “You and I need our own little party. C’mon, we’ll go back to my room.” And that, ladies and gents, was Lord Elronds first impression of me. To this day I will never understand why he didn’t throw us out on our asses.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in updates. I was struggling with this chapter and I'm still not 100% in love with it, but it is what it is.

Bil and I wandered back to my room as we both took turns drinking the wine straight from the carafe, like a couple of hardcore drunks. We sat on the floor, leaning our backs against the footboard of the bed. “So, how’s it going with lover boy?” I asked, nudging him with my elbow after he took a swig of the wine. “He is not the easiest person to engage in a conversation,” he answered with a shrug. “Phht! Yeah, no shit,” I laughingly agreed,” He has the personality of a brick, that one.” “Oh, pish posh! Thorin has quite a lovely personality. He is exceedingly hard to warm up is all,” Bil admitted with a sad little laugh. “Yeah, well, it certainly looked like his hardness was warming up to you earlier in the chasm, pun intended. I mean, he practically gave you a cavity search back there!” I took another swig of wine and looked down at his sad little face. He seemed caught up in his own thoughts, and usually, when that happens, he works himself up into a neurotic mess. I pushed myself up onto my feet, not very gracefully I might add, and made my way over to my backpack and I snagged my zip up hoodie and pulled Bil to his feet saying, “let’s explore”.  
We wandered the corridors of Rivendell looking for what, I don’t really know. Our procession wasn’t a very pretty sight. A few times we had collapsed into giggling fits, and we progressed like a super slow motion pinball game as we bounced from corridor wall to railing and back to the wall. We somehow, by the grace of God, managed to not drown ourselves in a river or break our necks by falling down one of the billion flights of steps. Miracles do happen. We sprawled out on an immaculately manicured lawn behind some out buildings or cottages, or whatever, I’m not really sure what they were for, and looked up at the night sky. The wine carafe had been emptied and abandoned somewhere along our route, and we were now without libations. We lay there on our backs, giggling as we made elaborate plans to pilfer more alcohol from wherever it was kept. It was like we were playing a drunken game of clue; Mrs. Peacock, in the Kitchen, with the hot glue gun. After a long contemplative silence, Bil let out a big sigh. “Jess?” he asked in a wistful tone, “Do you have any regrets?” Well, hello buzzkill. I didn’t see you there, hiding in my best friend. Memories came bubbling up unbidden, and damn it all that was uncomfortable. “About?” I prompted, trying to get him to narrow down the subject matter so that random life events spanning from over twenty years ago until the present moment didn’t keep running through my mind like a shitty flip book. “Well, you never talk about your family or past loves, and I’ve always been respectful of your privacy, but I’m your friend and I want to be able to share the good and bad with you,” he murmured. “Bil, you’re sweet and all, but stop. Maybe we can talk about this when we’re sober. Probably not until after this shitty camping trip is over.” He got the hint, thankfully, and I distracted him from his plot to make me feel feelings by suggesting that we start charting our own constellations, like the group of stars in a rough looking circle pattern that I dubbed ‘The Devils Asshole’, which I mentally shortened to ‘Thorin’. Bils’ constellation names were lamer than mine, as he liked to use flower names. After a brief moment of silence, I started to hum and before long Bil joined in and soon we were belting out the song, “Show me the way to go home,” from the movie Jaws at the top of our drunken lungs. Words were slurred, some were missing, but it was glorious.   
At some point we got up and continued on our exploration of Rivendell, and we somehow found our way back to the kitchens, where we pilfered another carafe of wine and some snacks. The only other thing I remember is mentioning to Bil that I needed to find that stuck up little bitch, Linda, and bring him down a notch or two. All I know is that, at some point, we ended up soaking wet from a slight misstep while carrying out the ‘Linda Project’, as I dubbed it. I do not recall what happened to Lindir that night, and if you try to press me for details, I will plead the fifth. I will not incriminate myself willingly. Let’s just say Lindir really doesn’t like me now. We found our way back to my assigned room, and as we entered, we came face to face with a disappointed looking Gandalf and a pissed off Thorin. First words out of my mouth were, “Oh, Look! It’s Captain Fun Sponge and his side kick, The Grey Gloom!” “I think you and the burglar have had more than enough fun for one night. As the company leader you are required to follow my orders. I am now ordering you both to retire for the evening,” Thorin growled. His bright blue eyes placing all the blame for whatever the fuck he thinks we did on my shoulders. Bil was thoroughly smitten with this macho display and complacently wobbled over towards the glowering dwarf with all the grace of a new born giraffe. “Mr. Baggins, You appear to have had far more to drink than you are accustomed to. I shall escort you back to the company,” Thorin said as he slid his arm protectively around Bils’ shoulders and after glaring daggers at me, lead him away. I, however, was not buying Bils’ little damsel in distress act. I have seen that hobbit far more drunk than a couple of shared carafes of wine could ever get him. Gandalf stood there, staring at me, waiting for me to say something. “Boy, is he misinformed,” I laughed at how gullible Thorin could be, “I’ve seen Bil drink half the shire under the table, and they’re all pretty enthusiastic drunks,” I informed the wizard, trying to lighten the mood. “Ms. Jess, I would like to council you on curbing your dislike for Thorin, at least until the mountain has been reclaimed. It does not bode well for the company or this quest if you are constantly usurping his leadership.” I have never wanted to straight up punch an old man in the face before that moment, and if I wasn’t so drunkenly uncoordinated and way shorter than him, Gandalf would’ve been laid out for that little lecture. “Hold up. Are you saying that the great Oakenass has got a hair across his ass because he can’t handle a little leadership competition? Is it because I’m a chick? These misogynist motherfuckers better learn to deal. I am not trying to take his leadership away. He just sucks at making decisions. Well, let me rephrase that; he just sucks, in general. Man! You are such a buzz kill.” I glared at the amused wizard and throwing up my hands I said, “I’m out! I’ll see ya in the morning, maybe.” I said as I stormed out the doorway, and up the corridor in the opposite direction from where the dwarves were camped out. I walked angrily about the grounds for a few hours, burning off the alcohol in my system, still in my clothes that I had gotten soaked in earlier with Bil during our mishap with the ‘Linda Project’. As my anger towards being scolded by a dwarf for having a good time, and honestly what I was involved in was much more tame than anything those dwarves would be getting up to, wore off, I realized that I had stormed out of my own room, and now I didn’t know where the fuck I was and my cold wet clothes were sticking to my skin and I started to shiver in the cool night air.   
When I woke the following day, I felt like I had been run over by a mac truck. My mouth felt like I was chewing on a wool sock, and I swear to God that, every time I opened my eyes, they would burst into flame. I’m not even exaggerating. Okay, maybe a little bit. My brain felt ten sizes too big for my skull, and I was apparently still in my slightly damp clothes from last night. I rolled away from the sunlight, seeking the loving embrace of a nearby shadow like a vampire. Blinking my bloodshot eyes, I found myself in the lions’ den. “Good day. I expect you are feeling quite poorly after last night. Would that be a correct assumption?” Lord Elrond asked, his eyebrows of doom conveying his feelings rather eloquently. He was looming over me, his perfect handsomeness taunting me. I was laying on a chaise lounge in some room I didn’t recognize. Of course I wouldn’t recognize it, because we only got here yesterday and there was no grand tour before I decided to drink myself all the way to deaths door. “First of all, stop fucking judging me,” I croaked out as I pushed myself to sit up, closing my eyes to try to stop my brain from pushing my eyeballs out of their sockets in order to use said sockets as an escape hatch from my constrictive skull. “You can’t tell me that you wouldn’t want to drink yourself into a stupor after travelling for weeks with that crew of miscreants. I regret nothing.” I told him defiantly as I squinted at him. “I cannot argue with that logic,” he agreed handing me a goblet of water. “However, you and your…cohort from last night will have to explain why a majority of the statues in the gardens have, shall we say, been artistically altered? I believe my favorite is where the statue of Lord Fingolfin dancing and the statue of Lady Luthien kneeling down to pick flowers are arranged in such a way that it looks as though the Lady Luthien is giving oral pleasure to Lord Fingolfin.” I snickered at that and grumbled, “Yeah, I heard about the elves of the first age”, I mumbled. They were a pretty wild bunch. Probably a more accurate portrayal of past events would be the new statue arrangement. Elrond sighed and gave me a scathing look before continuing. “Also, Lindir has stated he has some grievances against you personally. Can you explain to me exactly what it was you were trying to accomplish with that little stunt last night?” “Linda needs to stop being a little bitch and pull the stick out of his ass,” I snapped, mentally plotting revenge on the nasty little rat. I drank the water he had handed me greedily, hoping it would flush the pain away. Lord Elrond frowned down at me and my obstinate streak flared up. “What do you want from me?” I groaned out in misery as I sat back on the chaise and closed my eyes. “I want you to respect my property and stop causing strife in my house,” he warned sternly. “Also, I would also like to speak with you about your world. Gandalf told me about the portal and I have concerns.” I barked out a short laugh, “Yeah, I just bet you do. Well, don’t you worry El Capitan, I have the key to the portal well hidden. No one gets in or out without my say so,” I affirmed. He stared at me and the weight of all the centuries he lived, and all the knowledge he absorbed over that time, seemed to push at me, trying to coerce me into telling him anything he wanted to know. I swatted at the imaginary pressure that seemed to be pushing against my forehead and snarled, “Knock it off! I’m not going to be so easily pushed around, Elrond. Plus, I’ve got a bitch of a hangover right now, so can we delay this interrogation for a later time?” He seemed amused with my response and I heard him chuckle as he strode over to a small side table and grabbed a container, returning to me and refilling the goblet with water.   
“Where am I anyway?” I asked, sipping the water. “You are in my study.” Curious, I glanced around and asked, “How did I get in here? If you say ‘the door’, so help me God, I will smack the shit out of you.” Elrond looked at me, shocked, before he smirked in amusement. “Well, yes, I assume you came in through the door. However, for all I know you could have crawled in through one of the windows. I found you in here this morning.” I glared at him as he moved about the room. His grace and handsomeness was grating on me. How are elves always so fucking put together? “Maybe you should invest in some doors if you want to keep people from wandering into your rooms,” I mumbled before taking a sip of the water. Lord Elrond arched a brow at me and without even batting an eyelash, he quipped “What makes you think I did not wish to have you wander into my rooms?” I stopped breathing at that moment. Did he just say what I think he just said? I shook my head trying to clear the cobwebs. “I’m sorry, but did you just imply what I think you did?” Elronds’ lips curled up into a controlled, sly smile. “I am pleased that your mind is just as sharp in your current state as it seems to be when you are less.. weary.” Well this was completely unexpected. My mind was starting to clear up as the adrenaline pushed the alcohol out of my system. This wasn’t what was supposed to happen. I admit, he is hot and I normally wouldn’t become flustered in the face of open flirtation from a hot piece of ass, but this was Lord Elrond. A fucking high elf of middle earth, or some shit, and as far as any of the stories report, he’s still fucking married to Celebrian, and I don’t do that. “Alright, well then, ahhh..I gotta go check up on Bil and the guys, soooo..I guess we’ll talk again later?” I said getting to my feet. I had to work hard to ignore the fact that my brain was pushing the plates of my skull around, trying to find a way out. Also, my stomach wanted to empty its contents on the floor, so I rushed out of there like the place was on fire. I stumbled a few steps outside before I hurled over the wall into a stream far below. Jesus Christ on skates! I was never drinking again!   
I found my way to my room and made a bee-line to my backpack and dug out my ibuprofen that I had hidden away in case such an emergency occurred. I popped them in my mouth and took a swig from the remaining contents of my water bottle attached to my pack, hoping that my stomach would accept my offering as an apology for how I treated my body last night, and then I made my way to my bed. I pulled back the covers I found that my bed was rather occupied. A naked and disheveled Nori slowly turned to look at me with bleary eyes, giving me a glimpse of little Nori. “Well, isn’t this a pretty picture for me to come home to.” I snapped in exasperation as I threw the covers back over him. All I wanted was to curl up some place warm and toasty and sleep for the foreseeable future, and now I can’t even do that because my bed was occupied by a sneaky, opportunistic dwarf. “I hope you didn’t sneak in here last night hoping for a little fun, because that shit ain’t happening,” I growled as I grabbed my bag off the floor and started heading for the door. “Awe, don’t be like that love. Ye can’t blame me for trying. Besides, I figure you and I can help each other out, you know, come to an understanding.” He said smiling at me from my bed. “Forget it Nori. Not interested. All I ask is for you to change the sheets,” and then, after thinking about it for a moment I corrected myself. “Yeah, no, just burn them actually. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go wash my eyes out with acid so I can erase what I just saw.” I wandered the corridors of Rivendell, aimless and slightly depressed. I mean I turned down a real or imagined proposition from a hot piece of elven ass because I have morals and I just turned down a dwarf with benefits situation because I have standards. I need to reevaluate my priorities at some point, because, damn. I eventually made my way to where the dwarves had set up a mini campsite. I saw that they have been burning some of the elven furniture in order to have a campfire and for some reason this tickles the funny bone of my dark sense of humor. I sat down next to Kili who was smoking his pipe, and he was actually glad to see me. “Well, to what do we owe this honor?” he asked good-naturedly. I leaned back against the wall and said, “Don’t act like you don’t know that Nori tried to make a move on me. I was so drunk last night I broke into Elronds study and slept on his couch all night. I have a major hang over that I want to sleep off and now I can’t even do that because Nori is contaminating my bed,” I told him bluntly. Kili had a coughing fit and the entire campsite fell silent. “WHAT?!”, Dwalin yelled out, causing me to flinch as the sound seemed to punch through my brain. “Da fuck, Dwalin?,” I hissed at him, “I just told you I have a fucking headache and you start shouting like that? Remind me to return the favor.” Everyone started to laugh and coin purses were tossed around. “Let me guess, you assholes made another bet? Whether Nori and I would hook up?” Kili grinned at me as he snatched a coin purse from midair, that Bofur had tossed his way. “Indeed we did. You can see that I bet on you to turn him down.” He winked at me before tucking his winnings away in his pack. “You can rest here on my sleeping roll if you need to, I don’t mind,” Fili offered. I looked at his sweet, earnest face and shook my head. “Thanks, but no thanks. I know what you guys are like and I won’t have a snowballs chance in Mt. Doom of getting any rest if I stay around here.” I got to my feet and started to make my way out of their little campsite, but I stopped and lay a hand on Filis’ shoulder. “Thank you. For the offer of your bed roll,” I smiled at him and then began to walk away again. Before I got too far I called out, “I asked Nori to do me a favor and burn the sheets,” and the group of dwarves erupted into laughter behind me. I wandered Rivendell in search of a quiet place to rest. Wouldn’t cha know I found myself right back in Elronds’ study? Let me explain, because I know what you’re thinking. I didn’t go back there to torture myself with imagined propositions or flirtations. The chaise I had had used as my bed last night was very comfortable. Also, the study was quiet and fairly dimly lit, so all I could hope for was that it was also empty. My luck held, as there wasn’t a soul around. I tossed my back pack on the floor, and stretched out on the chaise, using my right arm as a pillow as I tucked it beneath my head, and promptly fell back to sleep, still in my damp clothes from last night.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Okay, let’s do a quick recap. We got to Rivendell, and on the first night, our entire group (myself included) behaved badly. I may or may not have done a little rearranging of the garden statuary, and I made a new enemy in Lindir. I had found my way into Lord Elronds’ study and passed out in a drunken mess on his chaise lounge. Lord Elrond woke me the following day. I’m not sure, but I have a strong suspicion that he made a pass at me, and I ran away from that situation like my ass was on fire, only to find Nori, naked, in my bed. I walked away from that situation too, only to end back at Lord Elronds’ study once more, where I claimed the chaise again and slept off my hangover while the ibuprophren worked its’ magic. So, we’re all caught up now, right? Right. Okay, let’s continue this fucked up carnival ride I signed up for, shall we?  


I woke from my slumber, sometime later, to a soft scratching sound. I kept my eyes closed and listened; trying to figure out what could be making that intermittent, irritating noise. Were there mice here in Rivendell? Something told me that the elves would not put up with vermin running amuck around here. I sighed, giving up on getting any more sleep, and opened my eyes. Lord Elrond was sitting at his desk, busily writing on a parchment with a quill. “You seem to have become a reoccurring fixture in my study,” he said, addressing me without even looking up from his parchment. “Yeah, well if you saw what was lurking in my bed when I got back there, you wouldn’t be judging me so harshly right now,” I bit back at him, giving a little shiver of disgust at the image of a naked Nori in my bed. I looked around, trying to gauge the time by the light coming through the windows. Elrond, being Elrond, must have picked up on my mental time inquiry, and announced “It is almost time for dinner. Perhaps you should retire to your room in order to refresh.” He gave me a brief glance before continuing his writing. I got to my feet and stretched my hands toward the ceiling, causing a few vertebrae to pop in my spine, and then bent down to scoop up my pack from the floor.  


When I stood back up, Elrond was mere inches away from me. I stumbled backward and landed hard on the chaise. “Jesus Christ, Lestat, are you part vampire or something? How did you move that fast?” I exclaimed. My heart was thudding loudly in my ears as I looked up at the immaculate elven lord who was overly pleased, having startled me. A slow, sly smile crept across his face, and honest to God, I was beginning to think I was now in some type of Twilight Zone version of Arda. In Tolkien’s writings, Elrond was depicted as a sage individual, with unlimited love for his family, including his wife Celebrian. Instead, I seemed to be facing down a lecherous, conniving individual with designs on manipulating me. “Back the fuck up,” I growled, and I actually shoved him. It didn’t really do much good, and it felt like I was trying to push a wall, but it did seem to surprise him that I would physically react when cornered. He took a step back, and continued to assess me. “It was not my intention to frighten you,” his voice was practically a low purr, and it slid against my skin like silk. I gave him a look that conveyed my doubts and I finally exclaimed, “Seriously?! Quit the seduction bullshit. You are married! Stop trying to make this happen. It’s not going to happen! I have a set list of rules for sleeping with guys. One of the biggest rules happens to be ‘Don’t sleep with married men!’”  
I was gesticulating wildly and this made him back up a bit more. Good. He stared down at me, a pinched look on his face, and his eyes growing hard. “How do you know about my wife?” “I just do. I know lots of stuff. I know more than I care to at the moment. Just stop trying to push your elven sexiness on me, okay? It just makes me more determined to get away from this shady, back room resort spa you are running here!” As I made my way to the doorway, I turned and said, “Look, you seem like a nice enough guy. I mean, you allowed us to stay here and you haven’t kicked us out yet, but I would appreciate it if you just chill the fuck out.” He had a strange look on his face, like he has never been spoken to like this before, but I couldn’t stick around to delve into his psyche. I had to get ready for dinner, and find Bil.  


Back in my room, all was quiet. The nice elven maid had drawn a hot bath for me and laid out a gown in a nice plum color on the freshly made bed. I gave the gown the side eye, not sure why they wanted me to wear a dress to dinner, as it is soooo not my thing. The obstinate streak in me wanted to cut the dress up into shreds, but there was another part of me that felt like being a little girly for a few hours, while I had the chance. Behind a privacy screen, I soaked in the large tub, making sure to scrub all the nooks and crannies that had been ignored earlier. As I was drying off, I heard someone walk into my room and clear their throat. “Bil?” I called out, hopefully. “Who else were you expecting?” was his snarky reply. Wrapping the towel around myself, I peeked around the screen to make sure we were alone, before walking around so scantily clad. “Where have you been? I‘ve been searching for you all day!” he complained, obviously a bit miffed. “Well, after you were swept away by your brooding knight in shining tinfoil, I was chastised by Gandalf and ended up storming out of my own room. Then I got lost and somehow ended up in Elronds study. I crashed on his chaise lounge all night,” I explained as I grabbed the dress from the bed and returned to the safety of the privacy screen. I wasn’t worried about Bil seeing me naked or anything, but the lack of doors in this place, coupled with the eerie quiet of elves and the weird amount of male attention I received over the last few hours was making me a little more cautious. “I woke up to Lord Elrond scolding me for our activities last night, and then he made a pass at me.” I paused for dramatic effect, sliding the dress on over my head. It was a bit snug around my boobs and hips, but I sort of expected that. “He did WHAT!?” Bil exclaimed and, ignoring the fact that I was dressing, came flying around the screen and stood, open mouthed, staring at me. “He made a pass at me,” I repeated as I smoothed the rest of the fabric out, trying to shimmy it over my hips and ass. “AND!?” Bil demanded, excitedly, as he came forward and helped with the tugging of the dress. “Well, I turned him down, obviously.” I said shrugging my shoulders.  


“Wait just a moment! Lord Elrond, a gorgeous high elf, and our very gracious host, made a pass at you, and you turned him down?! Are you mad?!” Bil was so excited over this bit of gossip that I actually laughed. “Yes, Bil, as far as I know, he’s still married. Besides, why the Hell would a High Elf, thousands of years old, and surrounded by all these amazingly beautiful elven women, be interested in a foul mouthed, moody, other worldly human woman? It doesn’t make any sense.” I sat in the chair in front of the vanity in the corner, and Bil moved behind me, grabbing a brush off the table and began to brush my hair. “Yes, well, have you given any thought to the fact that he is thousands of years old, and perhaps he is tired of the same old thing? Hmm? Maybe he is intrigued by your strange behavior and how completely different you are from every other person here?” Bil offered as an explanation.  
I appreciated the fact that he didn’t try to convince me that I was just as pretty as the elven maids around here, because we all know that would’ve been complete bullshit.  
“Well, in that case, he can sow his elven oats with a local human chick that doesn’t have the same morality issues that I do. I don’t sleep with married guys, you know that.” I affirmed, making eye contact with him in the mirror. We both let a contemplative silence encompass us as Bil styled my hair in a simple elven style of two braids at the temples, pulled back and braided together in the back, leaving the rest of my hair to fall in waves over my shoulders. My hair is not long due to an issue of me being vain. It is actually long due to neglect. I rarely remember to visit a stylist when I am home in order to have it cut in a current style, and I find it easier to just pull it up in either a pony tail or a messy bun when I travel. Seeing myself in the mirror, in a dress, with styled hair, it felt strange. It was almost like an out of body experience for me, because I know I was looking at myself in the mirror, but it also felt like it was not me at the same time. “I need to get the fuck out of Arda. I’m losing my damn mind,” I muttered to myself. Bil smirked at me as he surveyed his handiwork. “I don’t believe Arda is to blame,” he chuckled.  


I rolled my eyes at his comment and turned in the chair to face him. “Yeah? Well, what happened last night with you and your hairy husband to be?” Bil just smiled. You know the smile I’m talking about. The smile someone gets on their face when they think about that certain someone. A stupid, goofy, love-dumb smile sat on my best friends face, and I knew at that moment, for sure, that he was truly in love. “That good, huh?” I laughed softly as I rose from the chair to find the slippers our host had provided for me that matched the dress. Bil coughed a little, clearly trying to cover up the shit eating grin he was wearing. “Yes, well, we haven’t actually done anything. Yet.” He smiled that stupid smile again and continued, “However, we had a lovely conversation and he was a perfect gentleman. He is also a very intimidating kisser,” He added with a wink. “Stop! I don’t need any more information! You will ruin supper if you keep going. Let’s just head down to the dining area and I’ll tell you about Nori,” I told him, laughing at his antics. I was really happy for him. I was just hoping that Thorin didn’t mistreat him in any way. If he did, then I have ways of making the dwarf king pay dearly that would make him wish that he would die on top of Raven Hill, as he was supposed to according to the book and movie.  


When we entered the dining area, conversation stopped and all eyes were on us. “This shit is getting on my nerves,” I muttered to Bil. He walked me over to the head table so I could sit at the same seat as I had the night before, and then, after making doe eyes at Thorin, he made his way over to sit at one of the lower tables. “Ah, Miss Jess! I am glad to see you feeling better.” Gandalf announced with a smile and a wink. “I don’t care if I’m in a dress. I will straight up punch the next person that winks at me,” I growled as I placed my napkin on my lap. I heard Elrond chuckle into his wine and Thorin rolled his eyes in contempt. “Have you apologized to our host for your rude behavior last night?” Thorin asked in a snide tone that I didn’t fucking appreciate. “I dunno, Thorin, have you apologized for your rude behavior from back when we arrived?” I taunted, reaching over his plate for the salt shaker, hoping I dropped a hair or something like it in his food. “Children, please!” Gandalf chided. The wizard was all done with our bitter rivalry and decided to take the initiative, curtailing any further jabs we were about to make. The rest of the meal was mostly uneventful. Lindir approached Lord Elrond at one point, and whispered something into his ear that made Elrond stiffen in his seat a bit. “Rude,” I muttered as I glared at Lindir, who glared right back at me. I took advantage of Elronds momentary distraction to make a cutting motion at my throat and whispered “Snitches get stitches, Linda.” Lindir paled (if that was even possible) and with a pinched, pissy look on his face he scurried back to wherever he had come from.  


After the meal was over, the dwarves began to meander off and the elven wait staff began the hectic bustle of cleaning up the mess they left behind. Thorin and Gandalf were colluding by one of the doorways and I witnessed Bil lightly touch Thorins hand as he walked by with Fili and Kili, making their way to their little campsite. “Would you care to walk with me?” Lord Elrond asked as he stood beside my chair. I eyed him with suspicion, and he held his hands up in a show of surrender. “I will not pressure you in any way. I simply wish to talk.” He pulled my chair back from the table and offered me his arm. “Just talk?” I was wary of his motives, but I had no obvious reason to be so rude as to tell him no, flat out. “Just talk,” he confirmed. I placed my hand on his fore arm and let him lead me off on to one of the many walk ways, away from the others. “What is your world like?” he asked. “Uh, the same as this one, but different, I guess.” He laughed at my evasive answer. “Are you quite sure you are not part elf? You seem to be skilled in answering a question in such a way as to not actually answer it. That is most assuredly an elvish trait.” I relaxed enough to let a small smile spread over my face. “I am most definitely all human. There are no elves where I come from, just humans.” “You say ‘just humans’ as if it were a bad thing. Why?” We stopped in a small garden that had a narrow stream winding through the vegetation, before it rejoined the rest of the river raging at the bottom of the valley. “Yes, well, up until a few years ago, humans were all I knew. As a species, I find us to be…lacking.” I explained with a look of distaste on my face. “I prefer the company of animals over people any day. That’s one of the reasons I became a vet, or an animal doctor.” I sat down on the manicured lawn, dress be damned, and removed my slippers in order to feel the cool grass on my feet. Elrond looked down at me as I did this, and with an arch of his magical brow, and a slightly exaggerated flourish, he folded his lanky frame and sat next to me.  


The garden was lit by a weird bioluminescence along the stone work, as well as the moon overhead. I glanced up at the moon, and remembered that there was something about the moon that was important to this quest but I was having difficulty remembering exactly what it was while I was being stared at. “You intrigue me,” Elrond stated, rather bluntly. I mean, that statement was blunt, for an elf anyway. I snorted in disbelief, “Yeah? What could be so interesting about me that has a high elf lord intrigued?” I asked as I made a pile of small pebbles from the surrounding area. Elrond chuckled, and it was a deep, resonating sound that gave me shivers. “You are unlike any woman of man I have met in all my many years here in Middle-Earth. Your manner of speech and your way of thinking are so different, even from elves or dwarves, that I find myself drawn to you. You are a puzzle to me.” His confession as to what made him hone in on me, like a moth to a flame, actually made sense. I was a new puzzle or toy that he wanted to play with and pick apart in order to find out what makes me tick; just like Bil had suggested. “I am not a puzzle to solve. I am not here for your amusement either.” I grouched at him. “There! You see! You resist my attempts to befriend you and seem almost offended by my attentions. Why is that?” He asked, his eyes were all lit up in excitement at the prospect of picking my brain, so to speak. “How would you like it if you were just minding your own business when someone comes along and starts treating you like a toy or a science experiment? Constantly poking at you or interrupting your thoughts in order to see how you would react? You’d get sick of it real quick. I’ve been down this road before. I know the signs of someone trying to manipulate me and I won’t play along.” I explained, tossing a pebble from my pile into the stream a few feet away.  


He sat silently beside me for a few moments before I heard him ask, “May I ask you another question?” “It’s your house do what you want,” I said with a shrug, “But, I reserve the right to not answer if I don’t feel like it.” He sat up straighter, if that was even possible, because he has excellent posture to begin with. “Why are you helping Thorin Oakenshield in his quest to reclaim Erebor?” Elrond was taken by complete surprise when I burst out laughing. My laughter was nothing like the tinkling giggle that the lady elves made. I’m sure I sounded like a braying donkey to his sensitive ears. As I wiped the tears of mirth from my eyes, I worked on regaining some composure. “Sorry! Hahahaha, sorry! Ah! Thanks! I needed a good laugh.” When I finally managed to contain the giggly aftershocks, I answered his question honestly. “I am not helping that egotistical, hairy rock ape! Not for all the gold in that stupid, fucking mountain.” He cocked his head to the side and asked, “Then why are you part of his company?” “Because I’m loyal to a fault. Because, even though I have a very expensive degree from a prestigious university, I am mentally incapable of making intelligent decisions when my best friend begs me to join him in a bad idea. I am dragging my stupid ass across Middle-Earth because my best friend is head over heels in love with a miniature Neanderthal with a death wish. I am putting my life on the line to help an inept friend find love, and actually survive the journey.” My honesty seemed to stun him a bit. “If you do not agree with the choice of your friends amorous attentions, why would you help them or encourage them in such a relationship?” I sighed and turned to look up at him saying, “I love Bil with all my heart. I have never seen him this adamant before. I’m not sure if you noticed this or not, but Bil isn’t what you would call ‘outdoorsy’. For him to actually trek across this world, dealing with the elements, orcs and trolls and whatever else is thrown our way, just to be with ol’ Thorny, then it must be something special and who am I to try to stop that?”  
Elrond looked absolutely stunned when I finished my rant. After a brief pause, he spoke up once again, saying “You are a true friend, Lady Jess. I would be honored if you would consider counting me among your friends,” He placed the clenched fist of his right hand over his heart and bowed his head in a show of respect to me that I found extremely awkward. “Stop it! Stop that! I’ll have none of that!” I told him, almost panic stricken, clutching at the clenched fist, trying to pull it away from his chest. “I’m no lady, and I don’t deserve your misplaced reverence. I’m just helping a friend. Don’t make it weird,” I hissed in embarrassment. Elrond chuckled at my annoyance and I snapped, “Are you laughing at me?” “I would never laugh at you. I find you refreshing and baffling, but you are not one that I would ever think to laugh at,” he said reassuringly. He glanced down and that’s when I noticed that I was still holding his hand.  


I released his hand almost as fast as I would a hot coal. We sat in an awkward silence after that; Elrond watching as I tossed the remainder of my pebbles into the stream. Once the pebbles were gone, he gained his feet, most gracefully, and offered me his hand. I placed my hand in his, and he allowed me to pull myself up, rather than pulling me up to him, and I mentally awarded him brownie points. Do they even have brownies here? God! I need some chocolate, BAD! Anyway, after I brushed the debris from the dress, Elrond asked “Will you walk with me some more this night? There is much I wish to know about my new friend.” He offered me his arm, once again, and after a brief pause, I slipped my hand over his arm, silently accepting his invitation. I mean, what else was I going to do tonight? Braid hair with the dwarves? Watch as they preened their beards and mustaches? Actually, come to think of it, I could probably do with a good mustache wax myself at this point. Jesus! How long has it been since I actually shaved or plucked a hair on my body? I must look like Sasquatch or at least another dwarf to the elves. Do they have Sasquatch here? Inquiring minds want to know.  
We walked and talked for hours. I honestly cannot remember all the topics of conversation, but it basically ran the gamut of what the real world was like, what I did back home, and stories of my travels. Elrond was genuinely interested in everything I said. He wasn’t just feigning interest in order to get in my pants either. Once I had started to open up to him about home, he ceased his manipulative behavior and absorbed all the information. We walked and talked until the sun began to rise over the mountains behind us. By that point I was dead on my feet. Lord Elrond took pity on me and escorted me back to my room. He thanked me for the conversation and left to find his own rooms. I peeled the dress off my body, and after grabbing a t-shirt from my bag, I crawled into bed and drifted off into a dreamless sleep.


End file.
